Carrots & Strawberries

I have two major struggles when it comes to eating healthy that I have are finding snacks that are low calorie and tasty, and not giving in to temptation.

It also seems that once I get started, I build up momentum. I often find myself thinking the argument “well, today is already shot, might as well indulge some more. I’ll start over tomorrow.” Which generally leads to me overindulging to a massive amount.

For example, yesterday I had pancakes for breakfast. If I’d just been careful the rest of the day it wouldn’t have been a big deal. But with my parents gone to church and shopping after I had ample time to cook up some ramen noodles.

So first we have around 600 calories for pancakes (with butter and maple syrup) and then another 800 calories of 2 packages of ramen noodles with butter and Parmesan (instead of the flavor packets). Then for dinner I went all out and made myself baked macaroni and cheese which was probably another 800 calories or more. During the day I had a couple glasses of milk, some hot cocoa, some popcorn, snacked on some cheese while I cooked dinner, and some Ritz crackers.  I probably ate at least 2500 if not 3000 calories yesterday alone, and it started with pancakes and the “the day is shot anyway” argument.

Now, of course the biggest problem is my own weakness and lack of willpower to say no. I often talk about the logical side of my brain as if I am two people, how my logical side knows that I just need to tell myself no.  The truth is I am not two people, I am just one, and by claiming I have a logical side and an irrational side I am shifting the blame. It’s the same way when I say that the soft and kindhearted loving side of me wants to let everyone into the country and give them food and homes and work, and take care of them, but the other side of me understands why we can’t do that and understands that some people shouldn’t be allowed in, etc. It is me trying to play both sides and not sticking to a belief. I rationalize that if one side of me thinks one way, and another side of me thinks another, I am not entirely to blame if I am wrong.

I think this may also be the root of the problem I have with constantly caring how others perceive me, and often trying to reboot my persona (at least online where 90% of my socializing takes place) because I want to be right, and so I am constantly bouncing back and forth between wanting to appear nice, sweet and caring, and wanting to hold my own when things start getting snarky and argumentative and debates begin.

Regardless, before this thread takes a tangent on my mental issues with perception, the second problem is not having healthy snacks to go to when the urge to eat for the sake of eating takes place.

I am trying to look ahead to the time when 1200 calories will be all I am allowed. To that end this weekend when I did my grocery shopping I got my jellos, and popcorn, and also carrots and strawberries.  The plan is this:

7:30 – Breakfast Bar (90)
9:00 – Jello (5)
10:30 – Carrots (35)
12:00 – Lunch (300-or less)
1:30 – Jello (5)
3:00 – Strawberries (50)
4:30 – Carrots (35)
5:30 – Jello (5)
7:00 – Dinner (???)
8:30 – Popcorn (100)

All together (not including dinner) that is 625 calories. That leaves me 575 for dinner. This also allows me a snack pretty much every hour and a half.

Living on my own it would be easy, dinner could be another 300-or-less calorie meals, or some steamfresh pasta for about the same. That would leave me some wiggle room to have a hot cocoa (90) or something.  But as it stands living at home I have whatever my parents have.

That isn’t a problem, if I behave and take small portions, but some meals especially make that difficult.  I think, however, that if I can just stick to the above thing (maybe mixing things about, I could cook some popcorn and split it into 2 50-calorie bags, maybe bring an apple or something instead one day.  The hope is if I have a snack every hour and a half I won’t feel the need to hit the vending machine.

At the end of the day though, all that matters is me just not eating shit I shouldn’t, and I can’t seem to grasp that. I think that even saying “I can’t seem to grasp that” is giving myself fuel for the argument to eat junk I shouldn’t, as if some unknowable invisible force is stopping me from making the right choice when really it’s just me.

Hopefully Strawberries and Carrots will get me back on track.

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