Back on the Wagon

I’m going to be real with you for a moment, like I’ve been in the past before I started posting a lot of blogs about World of Warcraft.

I was doing so well in my weight loss. I went from 338 down to 297.  Over 40 pounds lost!  Then I fell off the wagon, hard. Maybe that’s why I haven’t been posting about this kind of stuff, because I didn’t want to admit that.

Luckily, I haven’t done terrible damage. I told myself I’d never get back up over 300 ever again in my life, yet here I am back to 302.  It’s only 5 pounds, and considering how bad I’ve been eating I’m lucky it’s not worse. I stopped doing all the things I should and started doing again all the things I shouldn’t.

I ask myself why am I struggling, why is it so hard?  And I am reminded of that blog, the one that really got me motivated so many months ago. This one.

Whenever I fall off the wagon I think of this article. I think of the writer saying he succeeds because he is better than me, stronger, stronger-minded, stronger-willed, than I am.  And he is right. I am making my legs take me downstairs to the vending machine. I am making myself wave my phone in front of the keypad to apple-play my way to 600+ calories of chips and candy. I am the one who hasn’t logged into MyFitnessPal really in a couple weeks. I’m the one who snacks when she gets home. No one is forcing me to do this.

And my body isn’t telling me it’s hungry. I’m not getting snacks from the vending machine because my lunch isn’t enough, because I feel hungry, because I need food and that’s all that is available. No, there is no reason beyond the instant and temporary joy I get from eating junk food I like the taste of.

I am the only one ruining this for myself, and that stops now. Today I climb back onto the wagon. Today will be the first day in several weeks that I do NOT get anything from the vending machine, and I WILL be under my calories tonight. The first of many days that I will remain firmly back on that weight loss wagon.

It is time that I take control of myself, stop whining, stop giving in, and stop waiting for it to suddenly and magically become easy.  Being a fat slovenly lazy slob ends today (in my mind. It’ll still be months or years before the not being fat thing ends…you know because time).

That is all.


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