Two steps forward, one step back.

My weight loss thus far has been a trial of two steps forward, one step back. I lose 20 pounds, gain back 10, lose those 10 and an additional 5-10, only to gain back 10. Lose 5, gain 2. 

Today, Easter Sunday, ends the troublesome Holiday season, for the most part. It wont be until July 4 that I’ll need to worry about a food-packed family event. I dread getting on the scale tomorrow.

But, I have gotten better about letting such setbacks get to me, and I think that alone is why this time I will succeed.  Yes, I had gotten down to 296, and yes I am sure the scale tomorrow may even say 300 or more, despite my desire to never see a 3 before my weight again. But I am prepared for it. Even if I saw something as awful as 306, a full ten pounds gained, it would not derail me. In this I have grown.

Because tomorrow I will return to my system of calorie counting and watching what I eat. I allowed myself to indulge over the weekend. I regret it, I feel ashamed and weak and awful. But I will pick myself up, shake it off, and continue on. Because even two steps forward, one step back is still progress, even if it is slow.

In the past seeing the gain I will no doubt see tomorrow would have sent me down a spiraling path of self doubt and self-deprecation. It would have caused me to give up, and go through a period of time where I would eat whatever I want, entirely out of spite, and then feel even worse after, causing more spiteful binging.

I will not fall down such a path again. Tomorrow I get back on the wagon and continue on my journey. Admittedly disappointed in myself, admittedly annoyed, ashamed and frustrated, but no less determined to see this through.

In other news, I took the processor and power supply out of my desktop and put them back in the old desktop and got that all set up and working and gave it to my mother to do with as she pleases. My shiny new PC is temporary sitting sad and alone on the floor by my bookshelf, awaiting a new processor and power supply. 

I have decided that since it will be a bit over 2 years before I move into my tiny house, that is 2 years I can use and enjoy the PC. I still want to make sure I am doing other things. Art and reading and writing. So I am not in any rush to get the parts for the PC.  I will get them in time to play Elder Scrolls Online: Morrowind when it comes out (especially since I already paid for it) and probably spend a good chunk of time doing that. But beyond that I have little use or need for the desktop.

I have not yet decided what I will do with it when I move to my tiny house. I may attempt to sell it, or it may end up just remaining in my room (what will become a guest room) after I leave. I’d be able to come back to my parents and use it should I ever want to, or take it with me if I should decide to, or sell it. But it isn’t a decision I have to make today.

Over the past 2 days, I got a couple of stinging doubts about my tiny house dream, mostly from a somewhat condescending uncle.  His nay-saying I admit gave me pause. He is a very smart man, very well educated, very very successful in both work and life. His opinion does carry some weight. He cast doubt upon off grid living, upon being able to run my house on solar, upon what I would do about how hot it gets down south in the summer, or what I’d do if we went a week without sun. I remember the drive home from Grandma’s last night in which I asked my parents if they thought my tiny house was a bad idea.

My father did not. He said his only concern was the lack of resale value of I changed my mind, but that he felt confident I’d done a lot of research and that it wasn’t just a fad for me (which actually echoed my own fears that it is a fad for me, but I don’t think it is). My mother, however, has clear doubts and they came out a bit. I don’t recall exactly what she said, I admit I pretty much blocked it out. I regrettably don’t value her opinion as much as I do my father’s. But I do know that she doubts. Though she tends to doubt and worry about a lot.

The few conversations about my tiny house over the weekend did trouble me. But I really don’t think other people’s doubts have hindered my resolved. Nor, however, has it made me more eager to build one out of spite or to prove them wrong. I think that simple fact makes me more sure that it isn’t a fad for me than anything else. When I was Wiccan anyone speaking against such a thing would result in me being spitefully determined to prove them wrong. When someone suggested my goth style to be a fad or a temporary phrase I loudly proclaimed that it wasn’t, that it was who I was. They turned out to be right, despite my self-observed bleating. But in the case of my tiny house, any doubts don’t cause spiteful insistence that I will prove them wrong. Instead it causes me to leap to the internet to do more research to see if they are right, or to find a solution to a problem they might have pointed out that I hadn’t considered. It is because of that I am pretty sure this is not a phase but what I actually want.

Tomorrow I will do some further research on solar power. I need to know the options for if there are several days without sun, how long the batteries will last, and what I can run with propane.

But for tonight, I am tired and going to bed.

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