I am dreading my next therapy session. Last time my therapist told me to start recording all the times I think negatively about myself. I have been trying to do so, but sometimes they are such quick flashes of annoyance they don’t even register.
I have noticed however that most of the times are when I fail at something. Such as looking in the mirror and seeing my fat self and thinking negatively about my failed attempts to eat right and lose weight. Or when I log my food into MyFitnessPal and end up snacking to around 200+ calories over my limit. Also, when I am attempting to improve as an artist and my drawings or sculptures aren’t coming out quite the way I would like.
Most of my negative thoughts center around times when I don’t live up to my own expectations of myself, and that happens quite a lot. And in having to record all this for therapy it gets me thinking about why I get mad at myself (because I fail) and why I fail. It gets me thinking down the path of “if I want to change, why don’t I just change?” Why is it so hard? If I want to lose weight so badly then why do I still go to the vending machine? If I want to draw/sculpt/write so much and not spend time in front of the TV, then why do I need to force myself to go a week without TV, why can’t I just start doing what I claim to want to do?
I’ve begun thinking negatively, not just about my failures, but why I can’t succeed. If I want to change I just gotta do it, so why don’t I?
That is the question I am struggling to answer. And that is the question I fear she will ask, and expect an answer, and “I don’t know” wont be good enough. Because she will say that something is holding me back. But what?
Is laziness an answer? Is depression? Or is it the answer I fear: that I don’t want to. That I enjoy sitting in front of the TV all day more than I enjoy drawing, or reading or writing or sculpting?
I’ve gone this whole week without my PC and I honestly don’t really miss it. I mean, I do and I don’t. I miss being able to watch a YouTube tutorial AND draw on my ipad. But I don’t miss the computer itself, I don’t even really miss windows. I’m typing this blog on my iPad. I posted a review of the bag I purchased on amazon with my iPad using the pictures I took with my phone that easily synced on the cloud. I don’t really even mind the small ipad screen for watching shows, so I don’t miss the big screen. I don’t miss a mouse, I don’t miss a big keyboard. The little one I got with my ipad is very nice and the buttons are placed well and my fingers have gotten used to using it.
I don’t know now what to do with my PC. I could take it to work and use it for my work computer, but I feel like that is a waste of it’s power. I could just give it to my mother as she needs a new computer, but it too is a waste of it’s power. I’d rather finish it’s upgrades and give my mom my older one (which is still a massive improvement on the ancient thing she currently uses) and have my new one go to someone or some purpose where it will actually get used. I could just sell it…
I could sell it for probably around $600 maybe more. I probably paid around $1000 by the time all is said and done. I could put that money to paying off my credit card. Or maybe get a laptop, something small and portable. Not that I even really need that. But if I got a decent laptop and made that my work computer, it would be easier to work from home if/when I needed to.
I am getting off track…. Let me steer this back to the problem at hand. Why?
Why do I continue to fail?
Or…am I failing? I just spent a week with very little TV. I did still spend a fair amount of time sitting, watching YouTube shows or a movie. I wasn’t productive, I didn’t do much art, or writing, or anything creative. Mostly I just found ways to avoid time. Taking my time getting home to make evenings shorter. Spending time on the couch with my parents instead of in my room where I know I’d just get into bed and watch shows on my ipad. But turning off my computer didn’t really have the result I had hoped for.
But maybe it just takes time. Maybe eventually I will not be able to avoid things anymore.
Which leads me to the question…why am I avoiding it? Ah, there we go, we’ve hit something. I got a new sketchbook, I did some art that showed a lot of improvement in faces which is what I was focusing on. But now I’ve kind of stopped. I attempted a couple of pictures and it didn’t look good. Now I avoid it.
I’m avoiding failure. I’m avoiding not being good enough. Not being good enough. That is what the therapist zeroed in on. And its true. It’s why I’ve got my obsession with personas, with how people are viewed, with how I am viewed. It may even be why I am (or claim to be) not interested in relationships, because I don’t feel good enough for anyone. It may be why I avoid anything and everything. Not because of laziness, but because of fear of my own inadequacy.
So what would the therapist say to that? You wont get better if you don’t practice. You can’t make changes unless you try. Avoiding and not doing isn’t going to lead to anything. Why do I even need therapy if I already know the answers to this stuff? But if I already know the answers why haven’t I been able to make the changes in my life that I want?
She told me last time that this blog (she hasn’t read it but I told her about it) and other things I’ve said that I’ve done recently in trying to discover who I am and what I want are good things, and that it shows I can and want to make changes in my life. That it’s hard, its uncomfortable, it’s not fun at all, but I am doing it, I am working on it, and I am making changes. Even if they are slow and clumsy and painful.
And I suppose that I am. I was 340 pounds and I am now 298. I was bad at faces and now I’ve gotten better from a little bit of practice. And eventually I’ll be able to say I was bad at spending money on stuff I don’t need, but now I’ve paid off my credit card and budget my money well. And eventually I’ll be able to say I was bad at body poses and proportions but now I am better. I was bad at writing and coming up with ideas but now I’ve published a novel. I was bad at archery but now I hit the bullseye almost every time. I was bad at being on my own but now I’ve got my own house. I was bad at getting out more but now I go for walks every weekend.
Things take time, but I am slowly getting there.