omg it’s f—ing 4am what am i doing?

1So I did what I said I’d do yesterday. I set my alarm for 4am and by golly I got up at 4am.

I feel like shit.

Now, the reason for that, of course, is that I tried to make myself go to bed at around 9:30 pm, but of course I wasn’t tired. It was also hot. So I was hot, uncomfortable, and wide awake, tossing and turning in bed. This resulted in a horrible night sleep which resulted in my probably spending today trying to function on less than 5 hours of sleep.

I woke up at 4. My idea of the perfect self from yesterday would have gotten on the treadmill for an hour.  But that ideal self lives alone and doesn’t have to worry about waking up her parents at 4am. Perhaps restarting daily burn, or doing some other form of stretches/yoga/exercise would be good… I’ll see about that tomorrow.
Instead I sat down at my computer and wrote a blog. I didn’t publish it, I just started typing, trying to get my mind off how tired I was and how comfy my bed looked and how if I went back to bed I’d get 2 hours of sleep.  I obviously didn’t post that blog, but it served it’s purpose.

2After that I fired up youtube and watched a couple of art tutorials on faces, and drew a few more faces in my sketchbook. I think there is some improvement there, a few of the faces looked alright, but still not as good as I’d like.  I’m having trouble pinpointing exactly where my issues are. I can tell from looking at them that they are wrong somehow, but exactly how eludes me.

After I spent about an hour doodling, I put away my laundry, cleaned the litter box and emptied my bathroom, and bedroom trash and set it by the door to take out. I then got in the shower and got ready for work, business as usual.

Firstly, I did enjoy having some time in the morning to wake up, even if I didn’t entirely wake up and I still feel exhausted even now at work at 9. I’ll go get my hot cocoa coffee in a moment. I am not about to just pass this off as a bad idea just yet, I want to get a good night sleep tonight and do it again tomorrow and so how I feel after a night of not tossing and turning.

It always confused me the way my parents would get up a good hour and a half to two hours before they actually needed to leave. My mother I could sort of understand, she did her makeup and so forth which could take a bit longer.  But the way they would both get up early, get coffee, and sit and sip coffee and watch the news or read the paper just boggled my mind. Why!? Why when you could be sleeping! But the truth is whether I go to sleep at 9 and up at 4, or at 11 and up at 6, I’m still getting 7 hours of sleep.  I am just shifting when those awake hours are in the hopes that early mornings will be more productive than evenings.

Second, however, is the fact that I am a bit restricted. I don’t live alone and I have to think about others. My parents are asleep, so I can’t really do anything that might be noisy and wake them up. The dog barks at the drop of a hat, so if I ever thought I’d get up at 4 and drive in to the gym before work…hearing the door close and my car start would send the dog into a fit that would wake up my parents. So my productivity there is a bit limited.

Likewise with exercising, at least anything that would be loud such as the treadmill or certain exercises that require my hefty figure to jump or stomp, which is surprisingly a lot.  On the other hand, if I did such exercising during the day there is my strange and seemingly insurmountable discomfort at the very idea of people hearing my exercise or being aware of it. Believe me, I get that it is irrational, that people hearing me exercise would be proud of my resolve…but I can’t shake my discomfort.

But just because I don’t spend my morning (or evening) time exercising doesn’t mean I can’t be productive. Today I struggled but I was also exhausted. I had 2.5 hours in which to draw, sculpt, write, read, or exercise. I chose to draw a bit, watch youtube tutorials, and do a little cleaning. Tomorrow might be easier.


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