A long a scary journey ahead…

Ever since I saw this video I’ve not been able to get it out of my mind.

The more I go over it in my mind the more it feels right. But that also means the more terrified I am about the future.

I’ve been doing a lot of daydream/fantasizing about the best and worst case scenarios for coming out to my family, my friends, and most terrifying of all – at work. Unlike just being asexual (or gay, or lesbian) being transgender isn’t something you can hide if you go through the transition while in school or while you have a steady job where people see you and the changes in you every single day.

I’ve considered the options. I could not go through with testosterone at all and just dress masculine in the evenings/weekends, and be able to blend in just fine at work and no one would be the wiser. But I don’t feel like that would be enough.  A lot of the parts I dislike about my female self is physical. I can’t stand my breasts, they’ve always been a huge uncomfortable wibbly-jiggly annoyance. I can’t stand having periods. They hurt, they suck, and have resulted in more than one very embarrassing accident, and since I have zero desire to ever have a child, menstruation is entirely useless for me.

And even now, I don’t shave my legs, my arm pits, or anywhere else. I never wear tank tops or shorts so it never felt like something I had to do. It would be pretty nice to be able to go swimming without having to shave and such first. Or to wear whatever shirt and not have to worry about raising my arms too high and revealing my hairy pits.

So I am really thinking that going the whole way is the direction I want to go in. (Probably not as far as bottom surgery, that is expensive and as of right now isn’t exactly very promising, but top surgery and testosterone for sure).

But that presents the problem. My current job is great. It pays really well, I enjoy it for the most part, I like the people I work with. But I can’t help but wonder what they will think.  How do I prepare? Do I go to HR? Do I go to my boss? Do I just do it and not say anything? What about when I change my name? I’ll have to get a new email at work. I’ll have to put my old email as a “no longer works here, please contact this new dude instead” and I’d have to get everyone I work with on board with calling me my new name. I just… I know not everyone will be cool with it. I worry about getting fired, about people being rude or hurtful.

I’ve gone through so many terrifying scenarios in my mind, from getting fired to just having—

I stopped mid sentence because my boss just came into my office and gave me a promotion and a raise!  I am now Marketing Assistant and am in charge of the website, the facebook page and other social media, etc! I’m even going to get my own business cards!

This news is amazing and happy and I’m giddy about it, but it makes me even more scared to potentially lose my job… I feel like I am actually more scared about losing my job than telling my family…

I still have a lot of time to think about it. I’ve got ~150 pounds left to lose. My plan is to begin slowly replacing my wardrobe with more masculine clothes, starting probably with kind of unisex things like polos and jeans. When I get closer to my goal weight and the decision to start testosterone replacement than I can really begin to worry what to do…

Until then, I will continue to be both optimistic and nervous, scared, and curious and a whole boatload of mixed emotions I’m not sure how to deal with.

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