Further thoughts on who I am

I am glad that this blog is not linked to anyone I know in person, because I am about to use it to discuss something that I am not comfortable discussing with anyone I know in real life, especially my family…

I saw an article on Facebook today, a cracked article from a woman who went through a sex change process. In it she spoke about hormone therapy, and that lead me to youtube where I found a video of a woman’s 3 year change taking testosterone.

In the beginning, before taking T, she had a sweet feminine voice, and looked like a girl, albeit with short hair. Buy the end of the video at 3 years she had a deeper voice, her body looked more masculine, she even had facial hair and talked about needing to shave.

This video caused a significant emotional reaction in me. From the moment I saw this woman begin to change, from the moment I heard the deeper voice, I burst into tears. It was this shocking moment when at first I didn’t realize why I was crying.

After the video I sat there, wondering who I could talk to. I didn’t feel comfortable talking to anyone, not even my best friend (I did eventually mention it to him). I was terrified of getting any kind of negative response, and yet I also didn’t want any kind of “whatever makes you happy” response. I wanted to really talk about it, to really try and get to the root of my feelings, to really understand this intense emotional reaction to this video.

I reached out to a person I went to high school with, and though we’ve never been close per say, we share a lot of similarities in our beliefs and things we’ve been through and our interests. I knew from various posts she’d made on her Facebook that she was exceptionally open to gender equality and such things, and that if anyone would be open to discussing this very tender topic, it would be her.

We talked for a couple hours about it. She asked some questions, and I was able to answer some and others gave me pause. I did some research on testosterone treatments, sex changes, even restrictive clothing designed to bind breasts and hips, and I read up on side effects. As per usual, and as with my interest in Tiny Houses and Sculpting, I went into research mode.

I’m still not entirely sure of myself. But talking with her helped me make a few choices.

First – I will wait to do anything until I’ve lost weight. I consider myself asexual, I have zero sexual attraction to men or women, no interest in romance, relationships, or being touched at all. I’ve heard that being overweight can cause you to lose sexual drive. I want to make sure of my feelings sexually when I lose weight. Will losing weight cause me to get some kind of sexual drive? What if I were to go through some kind of sex change to become a man only to lose weight and discover sexual attraction to men? I want to avoid such confusion. It will give me time to continue processing myself and who I am while I lose weight. Not to mention the process isn’t cheap, and I want to build my tiny house first.

Second – my friend suggested I ease into it. Start by using a male name and identity in certain online circles. I spend some time on Reddit, and a lot of time on elder scrolls roleplaying forum and that’s really it. So I may try that for a while. She also suggested going certain places I’d feel safe and dressing male. I don’t really have any masculine clothes, and I don’t really know anywhere I’d feel comfortable. There is also the matter of living with my parents. I definitely don’t want them to know yet when I don’t even know myself, and they’d see me leave wearing whatever. I could take a change of clothes but… I don’t currently feel like I am living a lie. But I think I would feel that way if I started hiding guys clothes from my parents.

I think I’m just going to take this slow. I’ve got a habit of rushing into stuff head first without thought. I don’t want to make assumptions based on a single (though emotional and almost epiphany-like) event.

But sharing this event with my blog… it feels almost like I’m ‘coming out’ and as always talking about it in this way helps me think about it in my own mind.

After talking with my friend, after hearing her advice and support, I feel that in this moment… if I lose weight and get to my goal weight, and my sexual feelings (or in this case lack there of) haven’t changed… I will follow through with this. I probably wont get a full on sex change, it’s around $50,000 and probably not covered by insurance. But why get something I’m not going to use, right? But I will, I think, start taking testosterone, and identifying as male, and change my name.

Any suggestions? I’ve always liked the name Lucas…

But again… I’m going to give it a lot of time. I won’t make any decisions until I’ve lost weight, put my money into building my tiny house, and given the next couple of years over to self contemplation and discovery. This is not a choice I will make idly.

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