You may or may not know from my previous blogs that I’ve been struggling inside with what I want, who I am, who I want to be, where I want to be, what I want to do. The big questions, the ones I am sure everyone wrestles with from time to time.
I know some things about myself. Some of these things I like, some I don’t. Some I wish I could change but don’t know how, and some I don’t want to change even though I think they probably aren’t the best things. And some things contradict other things.
I know that I want to build a tiny house. I want to build it myself, with my own money. I want it to be on wheels, so if I ever did move back to Maine, or move anywhere, I could take it with me. because I’ve decided I don’t need to be able to tow it myself every 6 months, I can make it bigger than the plans I’d considered. I’ve been thinking 18 feet.
I’ve even sketched out a few designs, one in particular I like. It has a little nook in the front that can be a crafting work-space for sculpting. It has stairs going into a loft that will double as an entertainment center/desk and place for my computer. The TV will fit in a large section of it, and double as my computer monitor. So I can sit at the computer, or I can sit across on the couch and watch TV. The rest of the stairs will have either shelves for books or little cabinets to store stuff. I’ll make a few tweaks and upload the sketches another time.
There are still things I would need to consider. I’ll probably have standard hookups for water and electricity, but also have a water tank (maybe) and on-demand water heater. Propane for the stove and healing the place. I will probably go with a compost toilet, then I don’t need to worry about septic or sewage hook up. But I will need electricity and internet, so I will need to be on the grid and to find a place to park.
The electricity and internet are the biggest question mark for me right now. But the more I think about it the more I realize that while I really really want to have my gaming PC in my tiny house, if the choice comes down to tiny house OR gaming PC, I will pick the tiny house. It’s what I want. It’s not a passing fancy, it’s not just “oh that’s cute” it’s what I want, it’s where I want to live, it is what I want to do.
I also know, from thinking about it, that writing, sculpting, and drawing are things I want to do, but I can’t figure out why I haven’t been doing them. Why, when I go home from work, I sit in front of the computer streaming shows or playing ESO or even browsing facebook or youtube, instead of doing these creative things that I want to be good at. And I think the answer is simply laziness.
I am not a writer or an artist. I am not these things, not because I am not good at them but because I don’t do them. I write this blog, I RP on ESO, but I don’t write. Not for me, not for practice, not to move towards my dream of being an author. I also want to sculpt and draw, but I know I am not as skilled as I want to be, and the idea of practice is work and my lazy self doesn’t want to put in the effort to get better.
But if I don’t, then I never will get better. I’ll be working a 9-5 office job for the rest of my life. I’ll never have a feeling of accomplishment, of creating something, of doing what I dream of doing. I’ll just be a wasted life whose done nothing.
So, I know I want to build a Tiny house, but I’ll need money to do that, so my constant spending has to stop.
I know I want to be a writer, to publish my own novels, but I’ll never get there if I never write. I need to write more.
I also know that I want to be a good enough artist and sculptor to make it a self-sustaining hobby that pays for my materials. I think based on the miniature I sculpted recently (though it’s still not done, I left it incomplete without a head) that I do have some amount of skill there that could be good. I think people would be willing to pay for a custom miniature of their character. I may also start designing character sheets, custom with their characters draw on them, to go along with the minis. I think there is a market there and I could do pretty well just doing that as a hobby.
But I need to get more done, get some under my belt, have some pics to show for it!
I need to start going after the things I want, and stop sitting in front of the computer staring at random youtube videos. Playing ESO is fine, watching shows is fine, I enjoy doing those things and I am happy doing them. But sitting there doing basically nothing but watching whatever youtube video comes up next, or browsing facebook reading “ten things you don’t know about brushing your teeth” articles is not time well spent.
My dreams may be small, but they are as unattainable as any outrageous dreams if I never do anything about them.